What makes you sad?

Hey guys,

I am not going to start by apologizing, lol, I'm sick of myself doing that. I have come to the realization that I can't really help my schedule nor have the energy or time to work around it to blog as often as I used to.

So, some time around a very busy and tiring day last week, instead of eating at home we decided to go out for dinner instead. After what seemed like forever, we finally got our food and found a place to settle down. Trust me, I take ages to decide what I want to eat. Not because I am a "typical girl" who can't make up her mind, it's because the food options are rather disappointing so I got to let my gut tell me what the "least likely to disappoint dish" would be for the day. Yes, I'm rather fussy when it comes to food, even more so on at the end of a rather tumultuous and excruciating day. (P.s. the food I got sucked, as expected). Yes, I should also stop this habit of complaining about food.

I think I was two mouthfuls in, when my attention was shifted towards the boy/man seated next to us because of his boisterous laughter. Naturally, I looked towards him and immediately knew that he was not normal.

The fact that I am using the term "not normal" to describe him already makes me feel like a regular ignorant idiot. But, the fact is that I am not sure what he suffers from. I started to observe him (not in an obnoxious manner obviously), but as discreetly as I could. One minute he was laughing (really to his heart's content), the next he appeared to be scared, he would observe other people around him as well and have conversations with himself. At that moment, I felt really like SHIT. Forgive me for a lack of a better word but, yes. Shit.

I tried smiling at him, just to you know, let him know that we aren't shunning away from him, because I have seen assholes who shove them around or behave rudely to them. For some reason, I could tell that he was scared of me, and I didn't want to make him any more nervous or make him feel like he was attracting too much attention so I stopped watching him. I do not know why he was scared. It could be because I look foreign to him, or maybe he had been bullied by strangers before, or maybe he just wanted me to mind my own business lol.

I kept replaying what I saw in my head. Even when I was in the shower when I got home, I couldn't help but feel upset, and ended up crying.

Yes. No idea why, it was something I could not control. (And I am known to be pretty cold and heartless. Lol.) I kept thinking that I should have offered to sit with him, at least give him 10 minutes of company, but then again, the fact that he was scared by just a smile, I think I would have made things even more awkward if we did stand up and sit next to him. Maybe, I should have tried harder instead of dismissing my attempt to try and be friendly with him after one smile. The scene of him talking to himself, and laughing just hurts me so much, especially watching him eat of the table. (His fries fell on the table, and he started to eat them directly from the table).

I prayed after for him that day, and every day ever since. It makes me feel a little better, but I can't help to wonder about how many things I should really let myself be affected about. Like what people say, choose your battles. You should choose what you want to spend your time thinking about. Sadness is a deadly thing, it can consume you and make you forget yourself. It may sound extreme, but you will be surprised at how one thought can affect your mental state.

At first I thought that I was going nuts. Literally, I would have to control my tears every time I thought about him, or other children/adults who don't have a normal life (I should stop using the word normal) but what I mean is the life that the every day you and I live. For them, their lives are perfectly normal. I even thought that maybe, my period was approaching so I was super sensitive about things. (sorry for the unnecessary details)

I realized that I should not be ashamed of how I feel. I think at the end of the day, what makes you happy, and especially what makes you sad makes you who you are. Speaking of which, no relevance but I have seen this somewhere "I started to like you when I knew what made you laugh, I fell in love with you when I found out what made you cry". Just wanted to slot it, for fun. Heh

SOOOOOOOO. Here's the list that makes me sad:

1) I get sad when I feel helpless. - Not when I get a shitty ending at the end of a movie or a book. I used to, but now I'm all like, this book/movie sucks, I wasted my time and move on. Life goes on, even after someone you love dies, it does. So don't waste time being upset over stupid things even if it is your favourite book/movie. What I mean by helpless was like for an example that day, when I really wanted to sit and talk to him, or get him to smile at me back, I just did not know how to do it. Also, when I see devastating news on the TV and papers that is happening around the world and all I can do is to sit and continue to read - Helpless.

2) I get sad when I see homeless people. - No need any explaining. My heart sinks every time. Be it the elderly, or youngsters (although I must admit I have alot of questions when I see youngsters who seem fit and well), it saddens me the same way. Especially in the blistering cold. That just adds salt to the wound. There was once, my partner and I bought food for this elderly man, and by the time we went back to give it to him, he was gone. We spent 15 minutes looking for him and gave up. Thankfully, we saw him again a few weeks later and gave him some money instead, fearing for history to repeat itself.

3) I get sad when I see children who are mentally challenged - No explanations needed either. I used to get really angry with God. About why he allows these things to happen to the most innocent people, not any more. I don't see the point being angry for things which cannot change, and will not. I rather use my emotions to help, or feel. The worse thing you should do is to get angry over things which you cannot change. If you believe in God, let him do his work. You do yours, say a prayer, you will feel lighter.

4) I get sad when (3) grow up to lead different adult lives compared to us - I used to be sad when I lose friends, get my heart broken, fail an exam, not get the job I want, can't buy my dream house, can't find Mila Kunis' instagram (she does not have one btw *tiny sigh*), now I just feel sad that there is a fraction of people, in this world who are most likely, unable to have any friends, or would not know what the meaning of a friend is, potentially not be able to fall in love, potentially not be able to go after their dreams, or even have a dream for that matter.

5) I get sad when the people I love are hurting. - There is nothing more painful than this, especially for someone like myself who does not overly express what or how I feel, I rather sweep it under the rug, or let it slide. It may come across as if I don't care about what they are going though, but in reality, it is just me, wanting them to heal, and not go poke around their difficulties. I don't know if this will ever change, but it is definitely on my list.

& that's a wrap. You know how people are always passionate about what makes them happy? I think we should all make a list of what makes us sad and not allow other superficial things to affect us in a negative way. By doing this, I think it serves as a reminder that nothing else matters.. that much, at the end of the day. Be passionately happy, and passionately sad about what you believe in and stand for.

And to that boy/man who is etched in my heart: I will always remember the sound of your laughter, the fear in your eyes, the innocence in your actions, and the excitement of your conversation. You changed my life in a way, in that mere few minutes. I don't even know your name, but Love, Faith & Prayer, never made more sense after feeling the way I felt after seeing you. You will always be in my thoughts.

Love,

Naia